I'm BACK

Well, I'm back!

Yes, I am very well aware about the fact that I have disappeared into thin air approximately around 2 years ago, but I guess - it's when my life started changing... ever so slightly. 

Remember my Brit twin? Well, he sorta changed my life... he got my life back in track and I couldn't be thankful for that. It's quite a long story though - but I guess I have time - now that I am trying to kill time at work...

Let me start with work - I ended up applying for this Bachelor Of Information Technology Co-Op Scholarship degree in the University Of Technology Sydney, and ended up getting it. Fortunately enough, I didn't do as well in my High School Certificate but it was mainly my fault anyway. I was too caught up with League Of Legends. Long story cut short, I'm working because I got the scholarship degree (which pays around $530 a fortnight) for me to study. I'm working because it's a part of my course to take part on an industry placement. At the moment, I'm currently in this company called Vivant which focuses on mobile development. Luckily, I picked up how to develop iOS apps, and I've relatively been good at it, considering that I don't have a technical background. I've made a lot of apps already, but... I guess I could skip that part as of now. Oh oh, I'm also part of the picture in the link I've posted on top. I'm the shortest one. I didn't grow an inch in the past two years. LOL!

Moving on... with my personal life. So... Sheepy aka my Brit twin... two weeks after we've talked every day, we've realised that... we were infatuated with each other. We exchanged our first "I love you"s and it was very sweet. I never felt so... alive after that again. After my best friend had almost permanently left my life (I'll explain this later). We started officially dating around October (13th I think) and it was awesome. Eventually in my 18th, he came over to see me and completed one of the most special days in my life. I was very happy. We even got engaged. (I know right, young love.) Matter-of-factly, I think I was really in love with him. Unfortunately, my impatience played a great role of separating us both. We broke up just before his 21st birthday in November. It was hell, not to mention it was HSC. It was complicated... but I had to move on.... Weirdly enough, we ended up going back together when he surprised me with a visit just this year's New Year. It was crazy. He's the sweetest thing ever... but then, it didn't last long. I messed it up. I wanted more. It's hard to explain it. Now he's moved on. He has someone else. Thankfully - he deserves someone who could love him as much as he had loved me. The thing is, I did love him. I still do - but it's... just complicated. I've realised some things lately, and it's hard for me to love him... Ask me if you really want to know. I do wish I haven't messed things up because it was a life set up for me, and I would have not let it go, knowing that it was something worth fighting for. We went through a lot together, and it's just a pity that we didn't pull through. Blame me. It was my fault. A part of me wants to completely blame me, but then there's the other empathetic part of me which understood why I had to do it... At least we still talk. He'll always be a part of me. Like we mentioned days ago, Crazy For You by Madonna will be our sentimental song. I agreed; I never recorded it randomly unless if it's for him. 

Moving on... with my Ding aka Virus aka my best friend... we cut our communication at one point. Firstly because I was hurt that she insulted Sheepy at one point due to her idiotic and moronic and psychotic (who carved her name on his back literally). Secondly, I just really thought she threw everything away... so I stopped. I decided I had to move on, although I knew I wouldn't have. She was my best friend. She still is. I promised her that I was always going to be her best friend... Also, just when I thought we were going to rekindle our friendship on my birthday this year, she didn't come. I was disappointed but for some reason, I knew it was going to happen. Unfortunately... but wait! A couple of days ago, we started talking again. For some reason, she was very emotional with me and I just have to admit that I really did miss her too... She apparently had all wallet pictures that I have given her ages ago, our friendship ring and still the idea that I had all the stuff... But then, the thing is... I threw mine away. It's a long story, but it was a part of the process of trying to move on. It was stupid, I admit - but it's just how it was. I don't know... Also, Tetka aka her dear mother also was tearful when she saw me in webcam. I didn't even know what to feel that time. It's a bit weird because - I thought she was happy that I wasn't in their lives. I've complicated it before. It just didn't make sense...

... but anyway, she's actually planning to come here. Unfortunately, she's still with her freaky boyfriend. I'm happy for her... as long as she's happy. I'm quite excited to see her. She mentioned something like "I was scared that if I'll come, I wouldn't want to go back". We're about to find out what that exactly means when she comes over. I hope my world doesn't go back to revolving around her, because even if she's permanently back in my life, I don't want to just focus on her. I wanna be happy for once. I wanna enjoy. 

But yes, I wanna be back here for the reason that I had lost my ability to speak well when I had undergone the League Of Legends phase. I'm getting there. Trust me. When I started university, I could barely finish a whole sentence. 

... also, the reason why I threw away everything was because... I'm queer. I like women too... more than men. I still don't mind either way... but that explains everything.

... now everything makes sense.

The Hedgehog Fell In Love With A Sheep

Alright, I don't know how to start this. About two months ago, I would say I literally was dying. I can't say this, but to follow up on that imprinting thing, it was just getting worse. The fact that I "imprinted" on my best friend was just getting worse. The more I find out on what she is doing or what was happening to her, it was just causing me some unbearable pain. I don't know what was up with her, trying to fool herself with someone she refers to as her man. I mean, look at her now - she's like all devo about what had happened to her. Gosh, he's like 14 or 15 and she thought that they were in love or something. No offence, but even if he was a good friend in some way, there's no way you'd call that love. That's not the point. The worst part was that I just couldn't explain the whole imprinting to her and how it really was to me...

What I went through was hell, and two of my closest friends know that well. I couldn't sleep until 10 am in the next morning and wake up about 4 pm and eat my only meal of the day. I didn't want to get out of my room...

It was until the 16th of July 2010...

I met this random guy in a random chatting site called Omegle. I tell you now, he is the most awesometastic guy in the world. The thing was, he was like my carbon copy. Here are the reasons why:

• "Hehehehe!": One of the first words we ever spoke. He was probably the only guy who wasn't horny in that site. After I got to talk to him, I never ever went back to that site.
• Paramore lover: It was one of the first topics that we ever talked about. It turns out that Paramore was one of his fave bands. Not only that but he loved Pop-Punk. My genre. Wow. That was a big WEEEEEE for me.
• Green is awesome: I found out his favourite colour is green when I saw that his text colour in MSN is green.
• Guitar pro: Well, he's actually a very good guitar player. When I say very good, I mean VERY good. Just yesterday, he picked up how to play Neon Angels On the Road to Ruin from my all-time favourite band - The Runaways - just by ear! I didn't know it by then, but playing the instrument was a similarity,

That was only some of the similarities that we had that lead me to refer to him as my "Brit twin", but then it started to change after a few days. On the third day, he gave me the second recording which is the first song he recorded for me called Falling For You. Well, duh! I couldn't help but fall for him after that day. I started liking him more after that moment, and I couldn't help it. Psh, then it just developed. Every night, we would talk to Skype and perform songs to each other. If you want to see them, just type Sheepy and Hedgehogy in YouTube and you'll see them.

Why Sheepy? I saw this video of him which he told me about where he made a commercial with his friends a Pepsi commercial where he acted as a sheepy. Why Hedgehogy? One day, my hair was spiked up and he asked me to call me that since he had his own nickname already.

Oh well, let's say - we are getting there, and he's coming here. I'd tell you the whole story and even how we wrote songs for each other and I wrote a song for the first time. All I will tell you now is that I'm pretty sure he's coming over about April next year and I'm coming over about November or January next year. He's already saving and I'm waiting for a job, so I'm quite excited! :)

I can't say much but the fact that today was the day I realised that he IS the one. Long story, but it will always be in my head. Let's say, out of all the negativity in life, he appears out of nowhere to save me. Like the first day I met him. It's just like that always...

He's a dream that came true. Literally. *wink wink*

I Used to Think Imprinting Was Nothing But Some Stupid Term

Alright, I don't even wanna start explaining why my title is like that... Actually, I might as well do so before I start going psycho, and this might be the last written thing I'm ever going to do...

Here's the thing - I think I've imprinted on my best friend. To be serious with you, I don't know if there's some other way I could explain it besides that. I mean, doesn't it happen to rats too? I think it's possible to us as well if that's the case.

I don't know but I've seen similar symptoms, and it is killing me because I don't know how to make it stop! I've seriously tried. Very hard. There's nothing I could do anymore to ease how I feel.

It's not that I feel anything romantic towards her I guess, but it's the love and care and worry I have for her. Like - I can't explain it. All I know is that whenever I see or hear her do stupid stuff that can end up hurting her, I am the one who ends up getting tortured inside. I know it is normal to feel bad for your best friend when that's the case, but in my case, it's like really painful... like I can't get over it. Sometimes, there can be days that all I think about is that - will she be fine or is she making the right decision? Heck, it's really stupid - I know - but I can't do anything.

And then, soon enough, I'd have to admit this all to her - that is if she even has time. She has always been out lately. I think she's trying to make everyone but herself happy, and even if she tries to make herself think so, I don't think she is. She might be blinded. Like I am. Acceptance, perhaps? I don't know - but whatever it is, she better stop because I don't think she's only killing herself on the process but also her future...

I am just nervous as to how she will react the moment I get to tell her. She will probably be freaked out or something - and then not talk to me. She will probably ignore me the rest of her high school life and not answer my usual calls every night. I might as well say I have temporarily lost my best friend. Well, it feels like that right now anyway. I knew this day was going to come, and I know this will also end sooner or later... The question is: WHEN?

Whenever it is, I chose this to happen so murder me if you must. I will have to tell this all - and more - soon. I am hoping that will be this week because I also have to make a deal with her if she is all fine with this. It is either she still wants me there or not... and trust me, that deal will probably be one of the most idiotic and stupidest decision in my life. I am only doing it for the fact that git will always lookout for her ding.

That´s how it works.

Fingers crossed.

It´s almost 7 am, and I´m already sick.

I don´t want to get into more trouble...

So CAO!

Siobhan Magnus, You'll Forever Be MY Idol :)

Wow! No big events had occurred that really lead me to write about something... until today...

Alright, I would actually consider today as one of the most shocking days of my stinkin' life... Siobhan Magnus - my personal favourite from the American Idol Season 9 - was eliminated.

Heck, that was something I didn't see coming.

The thing is, I just thought that she would be safe after looking at the DialIdol results where she was in the bottom three, but kind of far away from the bottom two. The thing is, they did predict that she will be in the bottom three, but how in the world can Aaron Kelly receive so much votes? Plus, let's face it - a lot of people hate Siobhan but a lot of people love her too, especially people outside the United States.

Could one of the reasons be the fact that a part of Siobhan's votes mistakenly went to Aaron because of the error that was made on her Facebook fan page?

Who knows?

Was it also some sort of plan to overpraise Siobhan and put Crystal Bowersox down? It's possible that the judges were meant to overpraise her so people would actually assume that she will be safe so that they won't vote for her but the possible ones that are in trouble...

Nah, I'm still stuck with my previous thought.

I don't know; I don't care anymore.

Siobhan, if there is any possible way that you would actually get to read this. Just believe in yourself just like us Siobonbons believe in you. We know you can make it as far as you want it to be, just like the song you sang in Top 7 Inspirational Week - "When You Believe"...

Remember that American Idol is only the start of the great career ahead of you. Now, it's up to you to bring your own style into the music you will be making. This is just the beginning of it, so have fun! :)

We will always be right behind you, Siobhan Evelyn "Tron" Magnus! I'm sure your fans around the world would be anticipating the release of your first CD!

- DG Bon-Bon :)

PS: I actually trimmed my hair like your Pre-Idol haircut as a tribute for you. That's how your Siobonbons are passionate for you! :)

That's my personal message for Siobhan, I guess.

I'm over the whole elimination crap I guess now since I know it's not going to be the last time we see our favourite glassblower.

Oh well, I still have Lee Dewyze left to support, although I'm kind of bummed too much that I won't be watching the show. I'll keep updating for my remaining favourite though.

Don't get me wrong - I love the remaining contestants. It's just I love Siobhan Magnus and Lee Dewyze way more.

Heck.

I'm stopping with this.

My dear best friend Virus bore with me the whole day with me texting her my complaints and agonising comments. I know she might be annoyed with me but I'm lucky she's there even if she's three hours away from me.

Oh well, I made graphics of Siobhan featuring some bits with Lee and Tim Urban. I love those three. Pretty people.

Just click here or the picture to view the graphics. :)

If you are a Siobonbon and support Siobhan Magnus,
sign this petition!

The 41 Day [Phone] Break

Alright, alright - to start it all, I'm all cool. Still surviving so there's no problem at all. Well, sort of. The only difference that probably happened since I don't know when is that Virus and I are in some sort of break - a phone break...

Well I know it's somewhat cheesy or whatever you call it, but it's actually pretty significant. I think we just reached to the point where everything seemed in chaos and that I thought we needed this. It was actually interesting because midway, I really did surrender and I gave up on everything. It's just I thought that we had just moved on or something. Long story.

All I can say is that there were three phases:

1. Phase 1. Calm down. Obviously, this was the stage where I had tried to calm down. It didn't really work out though. I ended up getting depressed at most times. (3 weeks)
2. Phase 2. "Stay Away From Me". She told me to, so I did. It seemed so easy for V anyway, so I tried. It didn't really work the way I wanted it. It's just hard and impossible to force yourself to forget about something that you consider your everything. The thing is, Lilo ended up becoming my distraction for that little while... (1 week)
3. Phase 3. Learning to Let Go But It Doesn't Work That Way. Well, I played her game. I tried forgetting about stuff and just living my life. It was really hard not thinking of my dear best friend though. At the end, V ended up on the whole not-talking phase when I slept over her place for that weekend. It wasn't a good start, but we settled it eventually just in time. (week 1)
4. Last Phase. Rebuilding that Complete Faith, Trust and Pure Honest While Changing for the Better. Well, 5 days left until our break end. We're actually pretty excited for it. Well, today, we even kind of cheated since we got to talk on the phone... like some other days. The thing is, in these remaining days, I think that we will be learning to have that faith, trust and honesty completely again without any doubts. We might also have to change for the better. We talked about some sort of compromise today, and I can't wait really...

That's all really. It's kind of 3:06 am already. I was distracted doing some other stuff.

I'd better sleep soon because I'm off to some party tomorrow. An S. P. You don't want to know. ROFL!

PS: I can't wait until I sleep over at the Viruses' next week, and then Royal Easter Show with them and a couple of new friends. Holidays!

Poems Can Be Made By the Ones Who Loathe Them Too

Well... nothing really. Today, I've opened my eyes to this poem that made me smile even though it may have some flaws of its own. The only thing I really care is the fact that it was made from the heart...

I'm repairing my book with wire

My heart is burning like fire

The wire is cutting in my hand

And all I see is BJ forever my land

You know what? As I've said I don't really give a heck even if it's not the best poem. It's made by someone who doesn't even go with the idea of poems nor compositions of any sorts. That is what makes it special. Very special...

I will need to make a response to this, and I hope it's enough to make that person smile at least, and prove the fact that it's the same for me. =)

Revelations Can Be Painful

Well, I'm not going to recap on my day or whatever - maybe some recaps but not detailed - but I'm just going to get straight to the point. These last three days I've got to spent with my dear best bud made me realise how much she actually means all the things she says. The thing is, I've always criticised her about saying the same stuff to everyone and not meaning them fully, so I usually don't take what she says to me seriously because I'm just used to that logic, even though I know she couldn't lie to me. It just doesn't register properly... and after these few days I've spent with her, I'm starting have more clarity.

21st: Virus Sleeps Over
Alright. Well we had this talk about why I keep thinking she's going to forget about me or replace me in the park where we hung out until dark. It was like... I don't know... I couldn't explain to her properly, but all I remember was she gave me this lecture of the reasons why. I wanted to believe her. I did, but "BJ Land" (the term V refers to my over-thinking brain) had to contradict... poorly though. She was right in a way. I'm just finding more reasons and all...

This was the most significant talk of the day I guess; the day was perfectly fine at the end with some accompaniment with an old accessory. ROFL! You don't want to know... *wink*

22nd: Sleep Over at the Viruses'
We had this massive issue this day with her, but I'm just going to skip it. It was about me giving her the chance to spend time with her guests and whatever. I don't really care if that happened. It's an insignificant argument with her that wouldn't really change the way I think so screw that part anyway.

Moving on, at night - after having this threeway fight - when V decided to sleep on the floor and I was waiting for her to sleep, she told me never to leave her. I ended up promising her that I'm always going to be there for her... and I know I won't leave her forever anyway; I'll always be there. She ended up kind of teary-eyed and so did I. I didn't want to leave her at all, but I didn't want to leave Lilo (aka Mini-Virus) as well, so I went up after I said our proper goodnight.

23rd: Our Last Day Before Doomsday
Before I left, we had this argument - yes, another one - about why I was being such a git. I wanted to say goodbye permanently - even though I knew I was going to bail out at the end because I knew I couldn't do it. This lead to this really emotional talk with V. The thing is, lately, we've been saying stuff that we usually don't say. Those really emotional and heartfelt stuff. That's when I felt different towards the way she talks... like finally, I'm beginning to think she means everything she says. She does by the way. She can't lie, remember?

She said really touchy words, and I just felt all guilty for not even believing her before. I mean I do, but there's a part of me that's denying it you know. I knew by then that she did has changed. I could tell if she means something - sort of. Hard to explain.

Moving on, BJ Land had some issues again. I had this picture that maybe she'll be better off without me in the future. It was mainly because of my jealousy - as we concluded. Long story. It kind of made me feel bad at the end because I know I'm like killing her with the topic again. She had to explain me again, but with more detail the reasons. They were very reasonable I guess, and that made me feel worse. She was crying; I did too. It was hard, and I just don't want to dig deep.

The point is, I should have realised the whole fact that she does care ages ago. But who could blame me? My brain just goes psycho. I'll try I guess. I know she's ready to deal with my crap so I have to make it easier for her.

She's right. I know we're going to last forever, but I would just have to make some effort not to make it hard. I love my best friend lots; she knows that well... and a promise is a promise. I'm never going to leave her behind. Never.