So What Now? Am I the Bad Guy?

Alright, things got really out of hand while too much stuff took place in short time since I woke up. First of all, I failed to go church (which is not mainly my fault since I told my mother to get me at my auntie's house so we could go church) and I think I may have to go later. Secondly, I woke up 2 in the afternoon which is bloody late. Thirdly, I read about Virus' most recent entry. Lastly, I just this long talk over the usual MSN with her just now (since a few minutes past 3 pm and it's currently 3:47 pm) while covering lots of stuff really...

------------

Alright, I'm just going to take a rest from writing. Everything is quite fine now I think, although I'm still going to write down what had taken place. It's just something that help me learn throughout my stinking life.

I'll probably be back after going to church, somewhere at 7 pm - 8 pm. It's already 4:45 pm and I still have to eat, shower and get ready. Darn, Mafia Wars for being so addictive and distracting!

------------

Alright, now it's 8:02 pm - not far from what I expected. Now, I'll just continue with stuff really. I'll warn you all now that I may leave out some facts about the occurrences today; you probably know by now that I'm pretty forgetful anyway...

Moving on, I signed in Windows Messenger (yes, the old one since my auntie doesn't use it anyway) to check for the few usual people. I ended up talking to Virus' sister who told me that V wanted to talk to me. Well, I didn't expect things to go ballistic since I was planning to tell V about this solution for her "MSN problem", but I obviously didn't get to since our conversation ended up revolving about what I've written in my two previous blog entries, her newest blog entry and basically everything that was related to it...

The first subject that we talked about was the fact that she had read my blog while she opened her blog account (I think). I couldn't help but get nervous for the reason that I know she'll react negatively somehow. Well, she didn't really responded that way, but I knew there was going to be some tension. The next thing I knew was that I read her blog, discovering some few interesting perspectives of her...

I'd like to apologise in advance if I may have thought of something really stupid, but since I'm going to be "honest to blog" and I can't lie to my dear buddy anyway, here were some of the thoughts than ran through my head at that point of time after reading her blog:

• What do you mean by "BJ thinks she's left out when she's not"? Are you freakin'ly joking me? Yeah, sure - I'm never left out am I? (I meant this in a very dark, sarcastic manner.)
• What the bloody hell are you talking about "scared of hanging out with her" thing? Why can't you just say that to my face to avoid misunderstandings? You know how I bloody think. I'm bloody sensitive! You forgot? Oh yeah, we're both forgetful, right? (I still meant this in a very dark, sarcastic manner.)
• What do you mean about knowing everything about me? I doubt it. You don't even listen to what the bloody hell I'm saying at times - most of the times. You're probably not even close to knowing my basics! (Alright, I'm not going to deny I was feeling really angry and sad at this point. I may not have meant what I said, but there's some truth behind it maybe.)
• What do you mean "leaving 1 of our friends out"? Doesn't that refer to me mainly? You don't only keep saying that Slexy has to go with us because of that reason. I'm not forgetful when it to painful words, mate. As Tazzie says: "your words cut deeper than any blade." So guess what? It does... and you don't have a bloody clue to it.

Alright, mates - just a reminder to V if you ever get to read this. I'm really really sorry if I even thought of these, but at least you know. I'm completely being honest with you, and I hope you'll appreciate that in a way. Those thoughts occurred to me in like a 12 second period, a really short time if you ask me.

It was a long while we've kind of argued on a lot of things. I swear - I got really scared when I thought it wasn't going to end up well that I started shaking. I think the culprit of this was the fact that I didn't get to explain properly about the whole thing yesterday that I left out some stuff about it - a lot actually. There was one time she misinterpreted the whole break time that she thought I was getting sick of her (which is like the total opposite since I knew well she's the one getting sick of me) and that I should just completely stop hanging out with them if that's the case. GIT! She got it completely wrong. It was then I thought the whole conversation was going to end up badly, so I started panicking crazily. I'm lucky that no one got to see my reaction by then. See what I mean about misreading my blog?

It was a great relief when we both agreed on discussing the subject tomorrow, settling this together, "face to face" as she may put it. You know what? I feel bad in the sense that I feel like I've been pissing her off these past few days. If she was just some random friend who doesn't care, she could have probably just have thrown me out or something. I love her for that. Gosh. I can't imagine losing her or S or T as my best buds - they're bloody important to me. I didn't just reject the opportunity of moving to a better school which could have boosted my academic level. I just hope they realise that they really do mean a lot to me...

Anyway, I don't want to worry about that too much at the moment, since I'm already beginning to think I forgot a lot of stuff. I'll be dealing with it tomorrow anyway. I just hope that everything that I want to say will go out perfectly tomorrow.

Oh yeah, T has just created his blog after accidentally bumping into my blog for some lucky reason while typing "git" in Google. LOL! I just can't wait to help him fix it sometime. That reminds me though - I think I gave him a heart attack when he found out that he's the only one going with me to Blue Mountains. He thought it was going to be awkward, but I told him that it will not be awkward if we were indeed brother/sister buddies. Come on, am I right? I love him as my brother (and I think and hope it's the same thing for him), and I'm sure he knows that.

Anyway, I got to go now before my dear mother chops my head off. I'm 42 minutes past my curfew at 10 pm! *hastily leaves and then goes back*

Oh, check out this new video from 2009 MTV Movie Awards of the first clip from New Moon that was shown in ET (I think)! If today ended up badly, this could probably the only thing that could have made me smile... LOL!

Spoiler alert: Click here to watch the video from RobertandKristen.Org.

Oh No - Maybe, I Was the One Who Needed the Break... Surrender Has Now Been Confirmed

Screw whatever I had said yesterday, I feel like it totally got out of hand... so I greatly apologise for that. I guess yesterday was another one of those off-days. I guess now, you know why I absolutely loathe those days. No one made a big deal out of it, except me... Oh well, it's not like that fact is something new...

------------
Pardon me, it's now 2:02 am, and I've approximately skipped two hours of writing while watching Kambal Sa Uma in TFC. I can't really help it, can I? This love issues revolving around Ella & Gab and Vira & Dino literally just crack me up! It's not really funny to be honest, but the fact that I have been squeeing like a weirdo throughout the series was basically something to be considered. I simply can't wait until next week to watch the marathon again, although it's impossible since it shows before the day we leave to Blue Mountains. GIT! I'm such in an unfortunate situation! Why the bloody heck does the show need to start when I'm not at a reachable space?
------------
Today, Slexy, Virus, her sister, and I finally watched the Twilight movie at V's house (after repeatedly having problems on where we were coming and when the heck the movie will start since 1 pm) around 7 pm. Our eyes laid on the screen for the two hours of the movie (with some minor interruptions in the middle of the movie) and - oh boy - did time go fast. It wasn't long until S had to leave, and then I was dropped off by V and her mother to my auntie's house about 11 pm... V had actually asked me to sleepover but I unwillingly rejected the offer. I obviously wanted to, but I couldn't because of the obvious reason that she will get sick of me and the fact that I have church early tomorrow (and my parents totally banned me from sleeping over, although there was a indeed time that I slept over without her permission and almost got busted)...

But chill for a moment - I'm not here to recap my day but to rather share what the bloody heck I feel about today. Well, guess what? I don't know what to think anymore after this sort of revelation of my dear best buds. It was basically something that was totally uncalled for. I couldn't be anything else but shocked (and even very isolated in a way) that it was like a literal stun for me. I tried my hardest to chill, but confuzzled thoughts just zap through my brain...

Guess what? I might have said that they needed some space, but now I realise that I may be the one who needs some space from them. The fact that this was my last week of hanging out didn't work out as it was supposed to; now, they've decided to not hangout until the holidays since I won't be coming anymore. GIT! It's not like they need me or anything. Trust me, I might have mentioned this before, but I think they'll be better off without me. I, the next time I probably hangout with those two, picture myself as alienated git who's like this little unfortunate homeless freak who completely feels out of place. But who cares? For now, I think the fact that I will be spending my time with my other best bud/brother, Tazzie, next week in Blue Mountains will ease my troubled mind...

It was hilarious when I told them that I was taking T instead of them since V reacted in this very surprised manner. I was certain she didn't expect that, since she probably thought of it more as a date or something. We know well that T and I are more like siblings who are very protective over each other, so there should be no malice really. I think that V might have wanted to come as well - but seriously, I thought she had said "no" last time when she said she wouldn't come if S wasn't there since she was already sick of seeing me literally everyday. Maybe, I could still squish her in. It might be my fault for taking what she had said as a "no" - but oh well - there's always the next time. I could only say though that - to play safe - that I will only get with people who is not sick of me at that point of time. I don't want to hear those "I'm getting sick of you" comments anymore as I have said yesterday; they're bloody hurtful.

But you know what? I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this - again! Even if their revelations were real or meant as a joke, they're both my best buds and I would accept them in whatever crazy beliefs they have. I had learnt to love them as sisters like I've known them for a very long time (well, it does feel like it anyway). Anyway, I know that V was pissed at me for my unreasonable reaction, so I'm going to get over this whole little drama. It's not even anything - to think about it. I'm will just have to learn to accept that fact that maybe, this is part of my fate - the part where I wholesomely surrender - which I have to go through...

But I told you: it's so not a big deal! The only part I'd have to deal with is that alienation part where it'll probably be the worse. Oh well, the worst thing that could probably happen is that I will have to deal it for eternity. LOL! It's not even close to funny, but the thought of me going mental is bloody hilarious. I'll probably look cool wearing those straitjackets anyway...

Anyway, I have to go now since it's already 3:47 am and I have church tomorrow. I promise I'll try my best to let go of my unpleasant thoughts before I lay down to rest for the sake of me, my best buds and my sanity. But OMG! It's bloody hard, bloody hard - I tell you... *prays for mind recovery*

Sometimes, They Just Want to Get Away From You... So I Surrender!

A total disaster - that's the only way I could describe my day. Nothing - literally nothing - could have made it worse, except for the possibility of having a heart attack or seizure throughout this bloody day. I'll tell you now: the start of the day is not even close to the near end of my day when it comes to how terrible it is...

The morning was fine, though I already felt like something unwanted was going to happen to me. Of course, I got that one right. The afternoon was the same, though I started to feel the stress about some stuff. Today was meant to be the time when we watch Twilight, and my dear mother hasn't still got my pre-ordered DVD. I knew by then that there were going to be some changes with the plan about the sleepover and movie night. But who would have thought that every single bloody thing will be altered...

The first wave - the initiation: Tazzie decided not to come anymore.
You could say I was really disappointed that he decided not to come, but I perfectly knew why he chose not to come, even if the movie will be postponed tomorrow. I couldn't blame him at all, but I started to already feel bad at that point about the upcoming events.

The second wave - the provocation: Slexy couldn't come; Virus couldn't sleepover.
Alright, now you could say I had enough of it. It wasn't mainly their fault, but mine. When S found out about the movie, she backed off saying "what's the point of having the movie night without the movie?" Good point, to be honest - but can't we just hangout? At this point, I needed to go to Fatima - this group prayer that was held in my grandmother's place - so after that, I'm not really sure what the heck had taken place.

The third wave - the final blow: I cracked; it was not cool at all.
When I finally called V to ask what the bloody hell was happening, she told me that they were going to come, but not sleepover. By then, I was already in the state where it hints: "WARNING: BAD MOOD ALERT" so I basically lost it. They - mainly V since I'm not really sure about S - just wanted to hangout and visit this pizza shop that we to love going to. The next thing I know was that S, cancelled out again. After that, I didn't really care anymore...

So that was it really. Trust me, it didn't end up well even after I apologised through a coward text message to V about whatever stuff I might have said. It was actually really kind of her to suggest that she could come to my auntie's place to hangout, but sadistically I actually rejected the idea. You know why? Even though how much I love hanging out with my dear best bud, I know how much she's getting sick of me. I mentioned it before, and now it's official after she's mentioned it again today...

I can't even blame her, alright? For the last two weeks (or maybe even more), we've been literally hanging out from Mondays to Sundays - no breaks at all. I understand where she's coming from, and I totally respect that. Since I know V and S are more like magnets in reality, I'm just going to minimise my time with them. I know it's going to be a great challenge for me, but for them, I'm sure it's going to be nothing. Maybe, it's going to be like nothing even changed. I just seriously don't want to hear the whole "I'm getting sick of Mossy" thing ever again. They don't have a bloody clue how much it hurts me every time, and I've been keeping my bloody mouth shut the whole time. I feel like the more time I spend with them, the more distant I am with them. Sometimes, I just have that feeling of alienation that I feel like I don't belong anymore. It's one of those feelings when you feel your heart fails for a few seconds, and that you just want to go somewhere else...

I'm seriously going to miss them, but it's better than hearing them complain about having me most of the times. At least now, I probably could focus more in school. I promise that I will be there if they need me - as always. Reducing my time with them is not an excuse to stop being there for them especially if they need help. Oh well, it's not like they need me. I know they prefer to be with each other anyway than my boring self. I tend to ruin everything always.

...Maybe, all they need is just a break from me...

I've been seriously sad since I sent my last coward message to V. My auntie and sister had been trying to cheer me up ever since they have noticed my not-so-good mood. I was literally slumping on the sofa with my eyes struggling to hold the tears. I don't know what was wrong with me; I was either pissed about the whole situation or I was sad that I totally acted "immature" when I last talked to V, slightly hinting that I was actually pissed with everything. The thing is, I'm not that type of person who tells people how I negatively feel about them. I simply don't want to hurt them nor to make them think that I hate them...

But guess what? I just had this feeling that this friendship I have with them will not be fine or be better if I totally ignore how I feel and not speak out what I think. I think I just focused on them too much and rarely with myself, not even realising that I'm already getting hurt in the process. I feel like I have to cry in front of them to explain how I feel about this whole thing and with them. They were absolutely right about me trying to keep what I want to say. Now, I had learnt my lesson; I should try to express my feelings more.

You know what? I'm like wondering that if I did ever move to Mary McKillop, will it have been better for me? Will I have same problems as now? I don't really know anymore, but I know that things happen for a reason.

The only thing that had made me smile was the fact that I had eaten McDonalds three times - an Apple Pie with Ice cream (with V and her sister, the typical everyday McDonalds' routine), Cheeseburger Meal (with my auntie, not long after hanging out with V and her sister) and a Big Mac (just tonight, a few minutes passed one). Eating a lot was my remedy. Guitar Hero at my grandmother's place from 8 pm - 11 pm could only distract me from the thoughts in my head. The main factor that made my day was the fact that my best bud Tazzie is going with us to Blue Mountains next Sunday (not Saturday) just before the public holiday on Monday. I did ask S and V first about it, but I was right about their responses that I saw coming: S wasn't not sure yet while V said that she's not sure because we're hanging out too much. Do you see now why I've decided to minimise my time spent with them? *sigh* I don't care about anything for now. I just love T so much for saying "yes" and being there for me just like most of the times (if not always).

I know you may ask why I made a big deal about this, and my only answer is the truth that I care about friendship so much that you have no bloody clue to what extent. It's just something that I treasure along the road, and if I ever do lose it, I'd probably go to an asylum or something. I'll tell you now - I stress more about friendship problems than stupid exams - believe it or not. Why, you say? I've had one humongous unfortunate wheel of friendship. If you read this forbidden part of the entry where I've cracked, you might spot why...

Anyway, I'm not planning to sleep yet (even after the three hours and a couple of minutes of writing in this blog), so I will just play this Mafia Wars game in Facebook to keep me distracted. I'm not shed my tears anymore, since I kind of cried earlier already anyway. If I do, oh well... I'll just hug my little Mars when I go to sleep... *sighs in surrender*

PS: I just realised that this is the real "surrender" sign... and that I left Mars. GAH!

Give Me a Break, Off-Days!

Yes, yes, yes - you're probably going to get sick of me, talking about how typical this day is - so I'm not going to be bothered having a recap of my day. You probably have guessed how my day went, and - yes - you're perfectly right if you were referring to off-days.

GIT! I'm getting sick of these freakin' off days coming almost everyday now. I just wish they'd piss off for a whole century and basically come back when my bones start to rot - or better - when the world is at its last breath. It's basically getting on my nerves, but I'm not going to complain and switch to my bad mood. It's just not worth it; I'm over this.

For some reason, I'm kind of feeling really down at the moment though, and I'm not really sure what's the main cause of this. It's either because Science - the last lesson for the day - failed to keep me enticed to it or the fact that Virus was bloody down when we were walking from McDonalds, thinking about some stuff... or... it could basically be both. I just feel really worried for her at the moment, and I'm literally waiting for her to go online so I could at least try make her feel better as she tells me whatever stuff is in her head. I bet she's probably calling Slexy at the moment to tell her about it first - as always. I just hope she's fine; that's only thing I could really wish for at the moment.

That reminds me: tomorrow, I think we (Mini-Virus, S, Tazzie, V and I) are going to watch the Twilight movie at my auntie's house tomorrow. I think S and V might be sleeping over tomorrow, so I'm absolutely excited tomorrow. The only thing is that the fact that we were not meant to have another sleep over until the next holidays is ignored would basically keep me on the floor laughing for a while. I would just have to ask my auntie about the sleep over if she permits... and she always says yes, so... *grins*

You know what? I'm going to keep you guys updated (maybe) later. I'm currently watching pictures of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of their kissing scene in Volterra for the New Moon movie. This is perhaps the only thing that made me smile the moment I came home.

I just hope things will come to place as soon as possible. *sighs*

------------

Update @ 9:34 pm: It's been more than 5 hours since I've been waiting for V to go online. I don't think she's ever going to go online anymore... Maybe she's not even bothered talking to me or whatever reasons she has. I still hope she's still fine though. Anyway, I'm happy to get to talk to T about some random stuff, and I swear, I love the fact that he's my guy best bud. I love him as much as I love my girl best buds, since I love the three of them equally for different reasons anyway.

Before I forget, I have to invite one of them to go to the Blue Mountains with us next Saturday. I just hope one of them gets to come. I don't really care. Anyone of my beloved best buds will do. LOL! Too bad only one of them gets to come. GIT! Why? Oh well...

It's a Roller Coaster Ride I'm On...

If you've noticed, I took the title of this entry from one of my favourite Jonas Brothers songs, Goodnight and Goodbye. I just feel I'm on an invisible roller coaster these past few weeks. My life has been going up and down, side to side - I don't even know anymore. The song - specifically the chorus - goes something like this though:

Hold on tight
Its a roller coaster ride we're on
So say goodbye cause
I won't be back again
Up and down
You're all around
Say goodnight and goodbye

Anyway, today has been as typical as the others, except that more half-yearly results came. I should say they were a lot better than the first ones that I had first. In fact, I'm absolutely happy with them! After all those death-worthy marks, I was totally redeemed on these newly given ones!

For Science, I got equal first with a good friend of mine with 67 out of 75 which is roughly 89%. For Computing Skills, I got 98% which was a bloody surprise for the teachers! The marker of the test had to ring my Information and Software Technology teacher to find out if I was a slacker in class for I might have been a "cheater" or something like that. It absolutely cracked me up, but I was totally happy since they said it was a first! I'm never really proud of myself, but this time - I could say that I am...

Currently, I'm really tired (and wet from the rain) and I just don't want to write too much at this point. After realising that I missed my bus, I decided to drop Virus and her sister, Mini-Virus, off to their house. I ended being dropped off by V and her father to my house when V kind of asked them if they could drop me off. Seriously, it wasn't my intention to be dropped off; it was like a master plan turned bad or something. I just wanted to drop her and her sister home and - perhaps - reach my bus on time. If similar events happen again, I'm so getting ready to run before they could hold me off again. Oh yeah, there was this little argument - before I even started walking them to their house - between MV and I had when we hung out at McDonalds, but it was really nothing. It was mainly my fault because I felt like I kind of reached my limit with embarrassing jokes, and I just totally gone silent and not talking at all. Let's say, it's not a good way to end a day with your buddies.

Before I forget, this Friday might be the movie night where we get to watch Twilight together with V, her man, MV, Slexy and Tazzie. I'm not really sure what's going to happen since my parents haven't picked up my pre-ordered DVD yet. We might have it in V's house, but I still don't know. I would have to talk to her about it though - hopefully - later in Windows Live because we might still have to go Seven Hills RSL or even just the Smithfield one, since we didn't get to go yesterday for my great grandfather's birthday...

That's all for now really. I feel really tired and my eyes are starting to droop badly. I may just have to leave V an offline message about the movie night and remind her that I won't be coming back from RSL until 7 - 8 pm maybe. *yawns*

------------

Update @ 6:16 pm: I think we're about to leave for Smithfield RSL now - well in a few more minutes. I already left V an offline message. I just hope she doesn't chop my head off after hearing the bad news from me. GIT! Anyway, I'm going to have to face her later anyway... ROFL!

When Things Are Just Meant to Fall...

*sigh* Yes, it's a shame that this entry had to start with a bloody sigh. Who else is to blame? No one, of course. Today has been a total off-day; no one goes home with a smile painted across their faces... Well, actually, I'm not quite sure about Slexy and Tazzie, since I think they're at least more than alright, but it's obviously not Virus' day nor mine...

GIT! I'm not going to be a bloody cynic just because of this, so I'm just going to get over this as soon as I finish typing all of these bloody crap...

Guess what? Today, my Maths half-yearly results were returned - and I'll tell you now, I feel like I was really going to cry on spot. I got 58% in the exam, scoring only 38 out of 67 - or something like that. Come on, I am not used to getting freaking C's, especially in Maths! What in the world is this? I didn't even think that the bloody exam was hard. The highest mark in our class was like 72%! Seriously, what the bloody hell was wrong? OMG! I feel like I'm going to die!

The worst thing about this is that my parents would totally chop my head off. The fact that I had made stupid simple errors frustrates me like crazy because it could at least pull my poor percent up! GIT! But whatever, I'm just going to cry this out... I just hope my parents wouldn't blame this on other incorrect factors (like I've been neglecting my studies... yada, yada, yada...), since it's barely because of my carelessness as usual.

To worsen everything, V wasn't having one of those good days. Problems here, problems there - problems the whole day for her! The vibe that has been coming for her only worsened how I felt, since I feel like I could actually feel what she was feeling. The problems of the day had pulled her down a lot. Too bad I couldn't really help; I feel like she's rejecting any sorts of it anyway. I don't know - I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's making me really sad in a way. You know what? Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to do some good for nothing, and it just frustrates me big time. It's almost like working very hard but still getting a zero. *sigh*

I seriously don't feel good anymore. Not even random songs could make it better. My family and I are supposed to go out now to celebrate my great grandfather's birthday to Seven Hills, but I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't give a darn at the moment. I just want to rest and perhaps start on annoying homeworks I still need to finish...

GIT! I didn't plan to be in a bad mood, but too bad, since I already am at the moment. Just piss off for now. Gosh. I'll just eat some biscuits with Black Swan's Caviar to make me a little better... *sigh*

I'm One Selfish Git Who Has Finally Cracked: Enter My Deepest Thoughts

Here's the thing, I'm not even going to go on about what had happened in school today because I have some things in mind. This day was as typical as the usual everyday school - you know - attend classes, have recess and lunch, leave school, go McDonalds, and then go home. Not much of a big deal really - except for the fact that I received my partial results for my History/Geography exam... Let's say, nothing was great at all, and I don't know how my parents would react.

For the History, we only received our marks for the multiple choice section which was fine for me since I got 18 out of 20 for it. I was actually absolutely happy because almost half of that section were guesses! I might be lucky on the subject I usually perform the worst, but guess what? For Geography, I totally killed it. I got 22 out of 35 in the first section that they returned to us! I only got 11 out of 20 in the multiple choice section, but I couldn't really blame anyone - can I? Trust me, even if I did study for the exam, I wouldn't expect to know more than half of the technical words there...

But who cares? I didn't want to write this entry just to complain about how disappointed I am with myself. I told you, I have some other issues...

I am getting too selfish...

(though that's not the main problem I think)

I don't know if you've remembered, but I had mentioned before that my ultimate flaw was the fact that I am indeed selfish. So yeah, that's my current problem. I wouldn't completely explain what the heck I mean with all of these, but I just want to get this out of my head as soon as possible. You may say that I'm out of my mind, but maybe I am. I'm basically involving myself into thinking these unnecessary thoughts while I should have been enjoying everyday of my life. But as I have said, I'll just spill it out now, so I could start having peace in my mind...

STOP NOW AND LEAVE!

if you don't want to get into my troubled head...Beware!

Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...

STOP NOW AND LEAVE!

if you don't want to get into my troubled head...Beware!

Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...

STOP NOW AND LEAVE!

if you don't want to get into my troubled head...Beware!

Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...

STOP NOW AND LEAVE!

if you don't want to get into my troubled head...Beware!

Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...

I don't even need to make a bloody introduction about how I feel, since I stumbled - now - upon this blog entry that a good old friend of mine written sometime last week. I don't know, but she took the words right from my mouth! Well, not exactly - but really close - since I'm not that disturbed... I just feel like I'm killing myself by suppressing or keeping these feelings and thoughts inside my head too much!

GIT! I don't really care anymore about what I'm writing down for the moment. I don't think anyone would be bothered to try to analyse what the bloody hell I'm saying...

I'm pissed. Who cares? No one. Why? No one knows - duh! What a stupid bloody git. I just feel like I want things to be going in my way - like now! Let's say, I have pretty much a view of what the bloody hell is going to happen with my crappy life - but I basically want to go fast forward now!

I'm tired of being this patient person. I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of acting like everything is bloody fine with me! I'm tired of being the one who's always causing these random problems with random people. I'm tired of always making the wrong decisions! I'm tired of choosing the wrong path with every single thing I do! I'm tired of telling myself I'll do something and then mess it up! I'm tired of being this person who always gets stuck as the last resort! I'm tired of not knowing when my life is going to be better. I'm tired of being the naive one. I'm tired of being the stupid one. I'm tired of being the one who people don't give a damn about! I'm tired of being this ugly freak! I'm tired of telling myself everything will be fine - even though I think they will be at the end. I'm tired of being on the corner every single bloody time! I'm tired of knowing that I might have changed my life for the worse of everything. I'm tired of crying about all these crap and saying that I'll be happy the next day while I'm actually really miserable inside that I just want to jump off a building. I'm tired of knowing that I will never ever have the opportunity to control what the bloody hell is going to happen to my life. I'm tired wishing I was someone else. I'm tired of being sorry for myself. I'm tired of not getting things just the way I want them to be. I'm tired of thinking too much. I'm tired of everything that pisses me off. I'm tired of these never-ending mental problems that I'm having. I'm tired of the crap that I've been through. I'm tired... of everything.

Now, you've had a glimpse in my head. I don't care if you say I'm crazy. I don't even know what the bloody hell I had written down, and I surely don't want to know or remember. I'd have to say now that since a little piece of burden in my head is bloody head, I'm a little fine - but it's not over...

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson, the song that some really good close friends dedicated to me before I left my home country, was played today - and now I'm bloody bummed...

I miss my old life. I miss my friends. I miss Regina, my longest friend ever and my first best friend since I was 3. I miss Liza who had always been the one who'd influenced some change to me even she doesn't have a bloody clue. I miss Tin-Tin who has always been there for me and has been my permanent partner in trouble-making since I was in year 5. I miss D'Klams and company who had been my official family since year 6. I miss e12 inc and e12 that has been the cause this boost of popularity in a way. I miss St. Scholastica's Academy, my old school. I miss being the cool one. I miss smiling every time I'm at school. I miss not having problems. I miss causing troubles with the Doorbell Gang. I miss going out until 7 in the morning. I miss having parties. I miss my cousins. I miss Detective Spies Secret Agency - or whatever the bloody hell it's called. I miss biking with the Doorbell Gang and ringing doorbells. I miss the time I got chased by a dog and got almost killed by a humongous truck. I miss getting yelled at by my grandmother. I missed getting told by my grandmother "wala ka na guid amor sa akon ya, noh?" which means "you really don't have love for me, eh?" I missed Marby. I miss everyone in the Phils basically. I miss my first band ever. I miss waking up 5:30 am in the morning and getting picked up by Tito Jimmy by 6:45 am. I miss the time Tin-Tin, her cousin and I went caroling as poor homeless street children. I miss every time and moments I had spent with e12 inc and the nicknames we had (Regina = Jesse/JoJo, Liza = Ryan/Ashlee, I = BJ/Marion). I miss the people I hung out with this previous summer of 2008. I miss the fact that I was always one of the "superior" in my school and even my area. I miss having the "Salvacions" and the "Ramoses" as the "superior" family. I miss having people to do stuff for me. I miss the happiness that I use to bring around people. I miss laughing and pissing people with it. I miss verbal fighting with people. I miss Kristine, my grammar and writing buddy. I miss Granada and Doña Juliana, my homes. I miss having reconciliation and having mass at the chapel in school and the covered court. I miss practicing volleyball and chess. I miss riding on the motorcycle with Tin-Tin while my grandmother gets mad at me. I miss going home at 8 pm almost every day. I miss Robinsons and SM. I miss WOF and the other arcades.

That's only some of them. There's a lot more that I miss, but I'm seriously going to take forever...

I wonder what the bloody hell will happen if I said "no" to going to Australia. I wonder if I'll stay the same person. I wonder if I'l be happier if I didn't move at all. I wonder what is going to be my future if I just stayed there. I wonder which set of friends will have been the best for me. I wonder if I could have done better in Phils. I wonder if life could have been easier there even if my other family members are here. I wonder if things really do happen for a reason. I wonder when that "happy times" that I'm expecting will come. I wonder if I have enough strength to wait for that long. I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind in all of these crap. I wonder if I had done stuff differently, will stuff could have happened as I want them to be? I wonder if I am currently in a situation that is for the best. I wonder if it's going to be different tomorrow. I wonder if things will be the same the next few months. I wonder why problems keep coming at me every single time. I wonder if people really do care for me and love me or are those just words. I wonder what people will do if I was gone. I wonder if I'm going to cry like before if I left my current set of friends for a better school. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I'm going to be really joyful that I'll remain like that most of the time. I wonder if my happy, trouble-making self will ever completely come back. I wonder when I'm ever going to have my first real love. I wonder if I already had passed it. I wonder why I'm really damned.

I hate the fact that people expect of me a lot - especially my parents. I hate the fact that I'm always stuck like this. I hate the fact that - most of the times - even if I had put my sweat and blood for someone, they dont even notice and care. I hate it when I'm always left at the corner while other people act like nothing is happening. I hate it when people ignore my needs most of the time. i hate the fact that even people close to me don't even know me quite properly. I hate the fact that people say stuff they don't really mean to. I hate it when they do such thing just to make you feel better - BLOODY FREAKING HELL - YOU DON'T NEED TO FUDGING LIE! I hate it when people say "I care for you" or "I love you" when they don't even give a damn about you. I hate it when people only care of themselves most of the times - that's why I hate me. I hate me - of course. I hate liars. I hate plastics. I hate people ordering me around when I don't want to. I hate the fact that I feel down right now because of reasons that I'm not really sure about. I hate the fact that I'm actually revealing lots of stuff right now. I hate the fact that I'm saying I want to stop being selfish, but there is no bloody improvement. I hate the fact that I'm a bad friend - even my best buds won't even notice that. I hate the fact that I'm boring. I hate the fact that all my happiness have been drained from me and I don't smile as much as I would have wanted to. I hate the fact that there are already a lot of people that had left me. I hate the fact that whenever there is something I want, they're always taken. I hate this crappy period of my life. I hate the fact that I had to wait. I hate being alone. I hate that I might be a bitch sometimes. I hate school and studies even though I do know that this will something be needed when I grow older. I hate the fact people think I'm this and that. I hate the fact that people judge you sometimes even if they don't even know you properly. I hate people that does things that to you that they knew you hate. I hate getting hurt a lot of times. I hate the fact that I've surrendered, and it actually feels worse that I would have ever expected.

That's it for now really. That's a lot off my brain now. I need a rest now - or not even yet... Before I forget - how about some positives to perhaps end this bloody post about the present?

I love my family even though they DO piss me off a lot of times; it's just a part of the whole family life I guess. I love my friends and I'd actually give whatever I could for them, although I don't know if they'll ever do the same for me. I love the fact that living in Australia had made me learn some stuff that I probably never could have learnt in the Phils. I love the fact that I'm trying my best to change my way of thinking because it's really messing up my head. I love the fact that even if i had to wait for a certain period of time, I know that I'm going to achieve that specific thing...

You know what? I just really think I'm very desperate for that specific time to come. I'm not going to say to be patient with this anymore - since I'm freakingly tired of doing so. I maybe just have to cry this out to finally eliminate the pain and hurt I'm currently going through. I failed in trying to cry this all out before, and that I think that this time - since some of my deepest thoughts had been uncovered - I'll probably have better days coming for me...

That's all for now. I've been writing for more three hours now. It's like 7:11 pm now. I just hope tomorrow will be better or something... Guess what? I'm currently listening to Mariah Carey's Through the Rain song - something that just popped in my head - which is basically giving me that strength to face tomorrow with a better perspective. What a lucky day... *sighs with a smile*

Happy 85th Birthday, Great Granddad!

To be very technical with you, it's not really my great grandfather's birthday - but only an advance celebration of his upcoming birthday on Tuesday, the 26th. Anyway, before I'd start blabbering about my awesome long day, I'd just like to shout out to my great grandfather...

HAPPY (advance) 85th Birthday, Great Granddad!
This celebration we had actually brought up something that has been going on since the holidays - a hangout with my best buds... AGAIN! Yes, yes, yes - it seems everyday now, isn't it? I don't really give a darn about it, since I love hanging out with my friends - them specifically. Plans here and there - they're bloody everywhere! They just keep coming...

Going back to the story, I woke up about 11:30 pm, still feeling sleep-deprived from sleeping really late -as always. Blame it on this blog - it's bloody addictive! Anyway, I went on Windows Live - as usual - the first thing in the morning. It was not long enough until Virus showed up, and as usual, we began to talk. After the plan that she had with her man which turned out to be cancelled for some unknown reason, I decided to re-invite her to my great grandfather's birthday celebration (since she was already invited yesterday) and as well invite Slexy and Tazzie. Unfortunately, S who was still unable to be contacted and T who had assessments couldn't come. GIT! Seriously, those two need some provocation or something. V and I had been stuck with each other most of the times, and I feel like she's already sick of me. Actually, she's already sick of me. Ask her yourself - she said it herself - no matter how much she'll deny it. Of course it sucks and it hurts like heck - but she does have a point anyway...

But who cares, really? I can't blame her or anyone who thinks of the same thing. I'm such a boring kid, naive with whatever thing there is. Let's leave it like that...

V, her man and Mini-Virus ended up coming to the party - and I'll tell you now, they were shy to the max when they saw how many people were there. MV could have immediately gone home if there was no Guitar Hero, since she basically wanted to come because of it and Wii (which was not actually there since it was in my uncle's ex-girlfriends' place). I swear, I knew I had bored them to death the first hour until we walked to the nearest park. MV and I played with these posts, trying to climb on them, while V and her man just stayed in this spot beside a little building (a toilet, perhaps? I don't know). It was somewhere at 5 pm when we decided to go back because I still needed to go church at 6 pm, and they were meant to go home before doing so because we didn't really want them to wait for us...

But guess what? That didn't really happen because we ended up eating cakes and some other random food while we hung out outside. Not long after, we went back to the park and stayed there for some other minutes until it was finally time to go to church. The three of them decided to stay in the park after they dropped me off to the church which was only beside it. It was approximately 7 pm when it ended, and they were already waiting for me outside by then. V's man was picked up by his best friend, while we were walking back to my grandmother's place - so that basically left the three of us...

We ended up playing Guitar Hero again - which turned out to be better than before, since V's man hated anything related to rock. I know eh? What a ding! Just like V... Just joking. But seriously, what would you do in similar situations? I'd basically accept the fact that I have nothing in common with my special someone - just like how Joannie accepted Oliver that he was not a vegetarian after trying to impress her in the Hannah Montana episode - "Don't Go Breaking My Tooth". But whatever - if my dear best bud is happy with everything, I shall be happy. She is fine with those changes anyway; no big deal for her I guess...

Anyway, we were having too much fun with Guitar Hero (except for MV since her sister wouldn't give her a turn with the drums) that it was almost 9 pm when we had to really leave. My mother had to go home since she has work early in the morning. Well, we dropped V and her sister, and when doing so - for the first time - my mother met V's mother. For me, it was all awesome since they finally got to meet! V and I had been best buds for a long time (just four months), and our parents have never met! LOL! Now, my parents just have to meet S's parents - as well as T. GIT! I wonder when the heck that will be though...

Darn. I have to leave you guys now. I had told my mother that I was going off at 10 pm which was an hour ago. I have school tomorrow, and I'm so not looking forward for my half-yearly results. I still have to fix my bag, so I'll get you guys updated as soon as possible. *leaves to fix her bag*

Study Time Turned Total Hangout

WOW... That's all I could really say at the moment. I'm starting to feel really tired, and my eyes are starting to droop. I had a very long yet awesome day, hanging out with my dear best bud, Virus. Where the heck was Slexy, you say? Well, when we tried to contact her, we found out that she was actually on a BBQ party with some of her friends and that she wanted to come. V and I knew well that she would absolutely love starting our assessments. Unfortunately, she didn't get to come since she had to go somewhere with her dad, making V and I laugh the moment we found out. Don't ask why - it's just something the three of us know... *winks*

Anyway, after failing to clean my room and one-fourth of the house (for I'm not much of a cleaner), my awesome father and I picked up V from her place just a few minutes after 2 pm. As soon as we arrived at my place, we immediately jumped onto the computer, neglecting the assessments we were meant to do. I knew it was going to be like this anyway; it's not like it's the first time! LOL! By then, I was already scared that I was completely boring her. When, she felt that bite of hunger after an hour or so, I decided to take her to this shop beside the gasoline station. I actually stole my sister's $5 note in the process of doing so, although I'm honestly planning to return it secretly. V and I ended up buying her favourite Honey Soy Chicken chips and this all-new (well for both of us) Cadbury Duo, together with some few sour lollies. GIT! On our way home, guess what? Rain decided to visit us with little sprinkles of water. I, who was wearing only a shirt and capri pants, started to shiver because of the coldness. V, who had a jacket on, was very kind enough to cover me up (my head mainly) the whole 3 minutes of walking. See how lucky I am to have a friend like her? I won't deny the fact that I couldn't help but laugh the whole time though, since I actually pictured how both of us looked like while we were walking, even though my legs were killing me at that point. LOL! With both of her hands covering my head while I had my head down as we walked - you'd seriously have to witness that event to fully have that hilarious phenomenon...

"You know, we look like a couple!" V exclaimed while I burst in laughter.

We did whatever stuff while we chowed down our food - talk to people online, listen to music, played with my guitar and just got stuck in my room basically. Git! I just remembered - we actually played dress up with wigs and hats before we were drenched by the rain. Moving on, I don't know how we actually survived without getting bored for the next few hours by just staying in my room the whole time! Oh wait, V actually ended up making a blog of her own after seeing mine for the first time. I have given her a link to it before, but I'm sure that she was not bloody bothered to read it anyway. She doesn't like reading at all - except for this book, one where various stories are compiled, she has on her English class. By 6 pm, my mother arrived from work with the ever-so-tasty snack pack for V and I. While eating, I finally get to show her Katarzyna from America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 who 85% looks like a friend of hers. At the same time, V was actually struggling to eliminate the chilly from the snack pack while she drank at least a couple glasses of water...

The next thing we knew, it was almost 8 pm and V was already meant to leave by then since it was already getting late, but she decided to stay a little longer until 10 pm anyway. I couldn't ask for anything more - the longer the better. Oh, there were these funny times where we actually went on Windows Live and chatted with each other while we were just beside each other. Crazy - that's what we are! We also got to eat some Rainbow Paddle Pops which my sister bought for us. I love her so much at that point that I felt really bad after remember that I actually stole her money. She was actually looking for it before they left for Coles to buy some stuff. GIT! I'm the worst sister ever! The time went very fast, and the next thing I knew is that we had to drive V home already...

WOW! And that was it. It was also then I realised that "study period" turned into this "unexpectedly fun hangout in my miniature room" which actually exhausted me like crazy after we dropped off V. Another thing that cracked me more was that not long after I reached home, the next thing I knew was that I was talking to V again. Seriously, I talk to my dear best bud every day, and I find this whole "talking-to-her-everyday" thing as a routine. I couldn't sign off before her unless my parents force me to because I'm used to her, asking help from me. It's the least that I could do for her really...

While I was waiting for her to sign off, I finally got to post in her blog as an introductory thing. It was already at least half past midnight by then, and I knew she still was talking to her man. Their conversation didn't end until a few minutes past 1 am, and I signed off as soon as she did while I continued writing on this entry for more than 3 and a half hours now. It's currently 3:38 am, and I seriously need to sleep, especially if I have church tomorrow at 10 am.

GAH! That's it for now! I would like to write longer, but I'm really dying at the moment. I am not even sure anymore if I'm making any sense or if I'm typing properly. I'm just really tired from all the fun I have I guess. Good night to me, Good day to all. *collapses on her bed*

To Be Honest, I've Had Enough Of My Own Lies

You know what? First of all, I'm not even sure if I lied or not. Remember how I told you that I needed to ask permission if my two best buds could come over today? We'll... err... I feel like I kind of lied to my mother, although in fact - I don't think I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah - it's really confusing since to be honest, I can't really remember what I told her anyway...

Today, about 1 am in the morning, I was feeling really pressured on how to ask permission, and the only thing that calmed me down was the fact that I was watching America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 from the "For Those About To Walk, We Salute You" to the "We Are Spartans!" episode which I recorded in Foxtel. My mother, who was already sleeping by then, had to work 6 am in the morning today, and I didn't want to disturb her sleep of course. So... I actually wrote her this one page letter, asking permission if they could actually come over to start on our assessments together. The only twist is that I told her that they were going to help me since they already started, instead of saying that we're doing it together... GIT! It's just my mother has this ongoing tendency - for as long as I can remember - to say that "you're friends are parasites; they keep depending on you!" That's what forced me to lie...

BUT OH BLOODY HECK! Seriously, that's only a little white lie. Plus, it's not really a lie - I think - because they were going to help me in a way since they already started. Gosh. I think I just feel bad that I intended to lie at first, desperate for them to come... That's it! I think I just feel bad that because I planned to lie at first... LOL! That settles it. I didn't lie, but I just felt guilty about my supposed actions! WOOT! At least I feel better now.

Anyway, I'm off. I still need to fix up my room and the house. Virus just called me (around 11:59 am) and told me that she's going somewhere at 1 pm. She actually wanted to go 12:30 (which is like 10 minutes away) because she's that bored. LOL! Too bad I still have to clean, to eat, to shower and many more! We're still trying to contact Slexy who's not answering her phone... GIT! I just hope today will be fun! I can't wait to see those gits again. *waves frantically before continuing to fix her room*

Make Up Your Mind, Ding!

Guess what? I was wrong about that "not-meeting-Virus" thing that I've said earlier. Well, let's say - some people can't just make up their mind there mind - especially that dear best bud of mine... First, it was Liverpool with some other friends, then it turned Parramatta with same people (without S and I since we weren't allowed - it was too far!), and then went back to Liverpool, only this time, it was going to be V and her man... But then, the next thing I knew was that it was going to be in Fairfield with V, her man, S and I...

But darn, I was still grounded. It took me all my courage to ask permission from my mother who was still at work at time, assuming that there was no way that she would say "yes". She actually said no at first until I pleaded her for the second time. Although she did permit me, we made this deal that I am not going anywhere tomorrow

But that was not the hardest part of this whole unexpected hang-out in Fairfield... It was fact that by then, when V told me what was going to happen, I had less than 15 minutes to prepare myself until the bus arrives at 2:22 pm - to eat, to shower, to find clothes and to run to the bus stop. Rushing, I didn't have time to find the proper shoes which lead me to wearing my sister's Havaianas sandals since I didn't have enough time to find mine. I also ended up getting my sister's black Esprit jacket instead of my brown one... Could my day get any harder? If this was for some other people, I would not even bother going. Today was meant to be my rest day, but when it comes to any of my best buds, I'm always in for it...

Hardly breathing, I arrived at the bus stop, struggling to get some air. I thought I was already late since it was already 2:21 pm. The bus didn't arrive until 2:24 pm so I seriously thought I was going to be late... but guess what? I was actually the first one to arrive to arrive at the train station, followed by my dear best bud Slexy. Both V and her man were still on the way by then; I think they both thought I was going late since V misread my text message. S and I decided to walk towards the direction of V's house and pick her up. Midway our walk, when I was already complaining about my aching legs (obviously from running with sandals), we met up with V and threw that three-way greeting hug again. I remembered that V had this really attractive Chanel perfume (I think - a black Chanel bottle), and I had to threaten her to stay away from me before I start craving for such smell. My nose is pretty sensitive, so it couldn't handle very strong smells - even if they're really good - so basically, that perfume proved to be just the perfect one for me. LOL! The three of us talked - while I continued my incessant complaints - until we arrived at the train station and met up with V's man.

Then the boring ( just joking!) journey started...

The four of us actually went to Neeta City and directed to Big W where S showed us this awesome sky blue mountain bike that she had on lay-by. I'm not going to lie - everyone agreed that we were bloody bored. We did whatever stuff inside (although I did actually have fun in the sense that I was too bored that I was actually cracking up) and later decided to hang out above the food court. I'm not going to complain, it was still boring - yet I had fun! I have the tendency to laugh and joke around in such blank and serious atmosphere. I think V's man was still very shy towards me and S, but after a few while - he actually got used to us. Well, I think - hopefully.

Around almost 4, we went to the Fairfield Library. It was very fun in a subtle way - and that's all I could really say. Nothing really stupendous happened, since it was mainly reading magazines, joking around and teasing. We all stayed there until it was 15 minutes before 5 pm - when we were reminded that the library was closing in 15 minute as well. Unfortunately, my dear best bud S had to go home, wanting to spend time with her family, so V, her man and I dropped her off to her house which in the same street as the library. That leaves me with the lovebirds... GIT! I was meant to go home at that time too, but I decided to stay a little longer... since they didn't really want me to go at that point for some reason (or maybe they did, but they just didn't want to tell me).

Anyway, both of them were kind enough to accompany me to the Subway outside Neeta City to buy some danish custard for my sister. After doing so, we went to some kebab shop where they ordered a beef kebab which was divided into two. V and I actually shared a half (where she forced me to share with her since she couldn't finish it) while her man ate the other half. After the short stopover, they both dropped me off to the train station where I was meant to catch my bus. I was almost 6 pm and very dark by then, so they decided to stay and wait with me. It was only when my auntie offered to pick me up when I started annoying them, endlessly telling that they could leave already for it was already very dark to see the road, but of course, they insisted of staying back. I don't know how long they exactly waited with, but finally, they finally agreed on moving on to their way. Not long after they left, my auntie arrived...

The fact that she told me that my dear mother was very unhappy since I was supposed to go home at 4 pm, scared the heck out of me, although I knew that she was messing around. My dear mother had been calling me throughout the hangout, asking me what time I was going to home, and I never felt that strain or pressure from her... but still, I started shaking at first!

Before I actually went home, I got to hangout in my auntie's house and unskillfully played pool while we waited for my uncle to arrive. It could have been a total shame for me if other people saw me attempting to shoot a ball. I think the pool table was just too high for me since I'm really short. After that short fun break, they finally drove me to my house and bade farewell, concluding my long afternoon...

And that was it really. Now, V is planning to come over at my place tomorrow, together with S, and perhaps starting on our Geography Assessment about Water Managament. It's really hilarious since we actually planned for this week to be a break from hanging out. GIT! But who the heck cares? I am just really excited, but I don't know if my dear mother would permit me though... but hey - we never made a deal about not having friends over anyway. LOL! I swear - we seriously can't get enough of each other. I love those darned gits so mucho. I just can't wait. Woot! *fingers crossed* Even if we fail to hangout tomorrow, there's next week where we could actually watch the Twilight movie with my special 3-disc edition! Beat that, dings!