A total disaster - that's the only way I could describe my day. Nothing - literally nothing - could have made it worse, except for the possibility of having a heart attack or seizure throughout this bloody day. I'll tell you now: the start of the day is not even close to the near end of my day when it comes to how terrible it is...
The morning was fine, though I already felt like something unwanted was going to happen to me. Of course, I got that one right. The afternoon was the same, though I started to feel the stress about some stuff. Today was meant to be the time when we watch Twilight, and my dear mother hasn't still got my pre-ordered DVD. I knew by then that there were going to be some changes with the plan about the sleepover and movie night. But who would have thought that every single bloody thing will be altered...
The first wave - the initiation: Tazzie decided not to come anymore.
You could say I was really disappointed that he decided not to come, but I perfectly knew why he chose not to come, even if the movie will be postponed tomorrow. I couldn't blame him at all, but I started to already feel bad at that point about the upcoming events.
The second wave - the provocation: Slexy couldn't come; Virus couldn't sleepover.
Alright, now you could say I had enough of it. It wasn't mainly their fault, but mine. When S found out about the movie, she backed off saying "what's the point of having the movie night without the movie?" Good point, to be honest - but can't we just hangout? At this point, I needed to go to Fatima - this group prayer that was held in my grandmother's place - so after that, I'm not really sure what the heck had taken place.
The third wave - the final blow: I cracked; it was not cool at all.
When I finally called V to ask what the bloody hell was happening, she told me that they were going to come, but not sleepover. By then, I was already in the state where it hints: "WARNING: BAD MOOD ALERT" so I basically lost it. They - mainly V since I'm not really sure about S - just wanted to hangout and visit this pizza shop that we to love going to. The next thing I know was that S, cancelled out again. After that, I didn't really care anymore...
So that was it really. Trust me, it didn't end up well even after I apologised through a coward text message to V about whatever stuff I might have said. It was actually really kind of her to suggest that she could come to my auntie's place to hangout, but sadistically I actually rejected the idea. You know why? Even though how much I love hanging out with my dear best bud, I know how much she's getting sick of me. I mentioned it before, and now it's official after she's mentioned it again today...
I can't even blame her, alright? For the last two weeks (or maybe even more), we've been literally hanging out from Mondays to Sundays - no breaks at all. I understand where she's coming from, and I totally respect that. Since I know V and S are more like magnets in reality, I'm just going to minimise my time with them. I know it's going to be a great challenge for me, but for them, I'm sure it's going to be nothing. Maybe, it's going to be like nothing even changed. I just seriously don't want to hear the whole "I'm getting sick of Mossy" thing ever again. They don't have a bloody clue how much it hurts me every time, and I've been keeping my bloody mouth shut the whole time. I feel like the more time I spend with them, the more distant I am with them. Sometimes, I just have that feeling of alienation that I feel like I don't belong anymore. It's one of those feelings when you feel your heart fails for a few seconds, and that you just want to go somewhere else...
I'm seriously going to miss them, but it's better than hearing them complain about having me most of the times. At least now, I probably could focus more in school. I promise that I will be there if they need me - as always. Reducing my time with them is not an excuse to stop being there for them especially if they need help. Oh well, it's not like they need me. I know they prefer to be with each other anyway than my boring self. I tend to ruin everything always.
...Maybe, all they need is just a break from me...
I've been seriously sad since I sent my last coward message to V. My auntie and sister had been trying to cheer me up ever since they have noticed my not-so-good mood. I was literally slumping on the sofa with my eyes struggling to hold the tears. I don't know what was wrong with me; I was either pissed about the whole situation or I was sad that I totally acted "immature" when I last talked to V, slightly hinting that I was actually pissed with everything. The thing is, I'm not that type of person who tells people how I negatively feel about them. I simply don't want to hurt them nor to make them think that I hate them...
But guess what? I just had this feeling that this friendship I have with them will not be fine or be better if I totally ignore how I feel and not speak out what I think. I think I just focused on them too much and rarely with myself, not even realising that I'm already getting hurt in the process. I feel like I have to cry in front of them to explain how I feel about this whole thing and with them. They were absolutely right about me trying to keep what I want to say. Now, I had learnt my lesson; I should try to express my feelings more.
You know what? I'm like wondering that if I did ever move to Mary McKillop, will it have been better for me? Will I have same problems as now? I don't really know anymore, but I know that things happen for a reason.
The only thing that had made me smile was the fact that I had eaten McDonalds three times - an Apple Pie with Ice cream (with V and her sister, the typical everyday McDonalds' routine), Cheeseburger Meal (with my auntie, not long after hanging out with V and her sister) and a Big Mac (just tonight, a few minutes passed one). Eating a lot was my remedy. Guitar Hero at my grandmother's place from 8 pm - 11 pm could only distract me from the thoughts in my head. The main factor that made my day was the fact that my best bud Tazzie is going with us to Blue Mountains next Sunday (not Saturday) just before the public holiday on Monday. I did ask S and V first about it, but I was right about their responses that I saw coming: S wasn't not sure yet while V said that she's not sure because we're hanging out too much. Do you see now why I've decided to minimise my time spent with them? *sigh* I don't care about anything for now. I just love T so much for saying "yes" and being there for me just like most of the times (if not always).
I know you may ask why I made a big deal about this, and my only answer is the truth that I care about friendship so much that you have no bloody clue to what extent. It's just something that I treasure along the road, and if I ever do lose it, I'd probably go to an asylum or something. I'll tell you now - I stress more about friendship problems than stupid exams - believe it or not. Why, you say? I've had one humongous unfortunate wheel of friendship. If you read this forbidden part of the entry where I've cracked, you might spot why...
Anyway, I'm not planning to sleep yet (even after the three hours and a couple of minutes of writing in this blog), so I will just play this Mafia Wars game in Facebook to keep me distracted. I'm not shed my tears anymore, since I kind of cried earlier already anyway. If I do, oh well... I'll just hug my little Mars when I go to sleep... *sighs in surrender*
PS: I just realised that this is the real "surrender" sign... and that I left Mars. GAH!
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