For the History, we only received our marks for the multiple choice section which was fine for me since I got 18 out of 20 for it. I was actually absolutely happy because almost half of that section were guesses! I might be lucky on the subject I usually perform the worst, but guess what? For Geography, I totally killed it. I got 22 out of 35 in the first section that they returned to us! I only got 11 out of 20 in the multiple choice section, but I couldn't really blame anyone - can I? Trust me, even if I did study for the exam, I wouldn't expect to know more than half of the technical words there...
But who cares? I didn't want to write this entry just to complain about how disappointed I am with myself. I told you, I have some other issues...
I am getting too selfish...
(though that's not the main problem I think)
I don't know if you've remembered, but I had mentioned before that my ultimate flaw was the fact that I am indeed selfish. So yeah, that's my current problem. I wouldn't completely explain what the heck I mean with all of these, but I just want to get this out of my head as soon as possible. You may say that I'm out of my mind, but maybe I am. I'm basically involving myself into thinking these unnecessary thoughts while I should have been enjoying everyday of my life. But as I have said, I'll just spill it out now, so I could start having peace in my mind...
STOP NOW AND LEAVE!
Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...
STOP NOW AND LEAVE!
Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...
STOP NOW AND LEAVE!
Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...
STOP NOW AND LEAVE!
Stuff I will say might be a little inappropriate or nonsensical in many forms...
I don't even need to make a bloody introduction about how I feel, since I stumbled - now - upon this blog entry that a good old friend of mine written sometime last week. I don't know, but she took the words right from my mouth! Well, not exactly - but really close - since I'm not that disturbed... I just feel like I'm killing myself by suppressing or keeping these feelings and thoughts inside my head too much!
GIT! I don't really care anymore about what I'm writing down for the moment. I don't think anyone would be bothered to try to analyse what the bloody hell I'm saying...
I'm pissed. Who cares? No one. Why? No one knows - duh! What a stupid bloody git. I just feel like I want things to be going in my way - like now! Let's say, I have pretty much a view of what the bloody hell is going to happen with my crappy life - but I basically want to go fast forward now!
I'm tired of being this patient person. I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of acting like everything is bloody fine with me! I'm tired of being the one who's always causing these random problems with random people. I'm tired of always making the wrong decisions! I'm tired of choosing the wrong path with every single thing I do! I'm tired of telling myself I'll do something and then mess it up! I'm tired of being this person who always gets stuck as the last resort! I'm tired of not knowing when my life is going to be better. I'm tired of being the naive one. I'm tired of being the stupid one. I'm tired of being the one who people don't give a damn about! I'm tired of being this ugly freak! I'm tired of telling myself everything will be fine - even though I think they will be at the end. I'm tired of being on the corner every single bloody time! I'm tired of knowing that I might have changed my life for the worse of everything. I'm tired of crying about all these crap and saying that I'll be happy the next day while I'm actually really miserable inside that I just want to jump off a building. I'm tired of knowing that I will never ever have the opportunity to control what the bloody hell is going to happen to my life. I'm tired wishing I was someone else. I'm tired of being sorry for myself. I'm tired of not getting things just the way I want them to be. I'm tired of thinking too much. I'm tired of everything that pisses me off. I'm tired of these never-ending mental problems that I'm having. I'm tired of the crap that I've been through. I'm tired... of everything.
Now, you've had a glimpse in my head. I don't care if you say I'm crazy. I don't even know what the bloody hell I had written down, and I surely don't want to know or remember. I'd have to say now that since a little piece of burden in my head is bloody head, I'm a little fine - but it's not over...
Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson, the song that some really good close friends dedicated to me before I left my home country, was played today - and now I'm bloody bummed...
I miss my old life. I miss my friends. I miss Regina, my longest friend ever and my first best friend since I was 3. I miss Liza who had always been the one who'd influenced some change to me even she doesn't have a bloody clue. I miss Tin-Tin who has always been there for me and has been my permanent partner in trouble-making since I was in year 5. I miss D'Klams and company who had been my official family since year 6. I miss e12 inc and e12 that has been the cause this boost of popularity in a way. I miss St. Scholastica's Academy, my old school. I miss being the cool one. I miss smiling every time I'm at school. I miss not having problems. I miss causing troubles with the Doorbell Gang. I miss going out until 7 in the morning. I miss having parties. I miss my cousins. I miss Detective Spies Secret Agency - or whatever the bloody hell it's called. I miss biking with the Doorbell Gang and ringing doorbells. I miss the time I got chased by a dog and got almost killed by a humongous truck. I miss getting yelled at by my grandmother. I missed getting told by my grandmother "wala ka na guid amor sa akon ya, noh?" which means "you really don't have love for me, eh?" I missed Marby. I miss everyone in the Phils basically. I miss my first band ever. I miss waking up 5:30 am in the morning and getting picked up by Tito Jimmy by 6:45 am. I miss the time Tin-Tin, her cousin and I went caroling as poor homeless street children. I miss every time and moments I had spent with e12 inc and the nicknames we had (Regina = Jesse/JoJo, Liza = Ryan/Ashlee, I = BJ/Marion). I miss the people I hung out with this previous summer of 2008. I miss the fact that I was always one of the "superior" in my school and even my area. I miss having the "Salvacions" and the "Ramoses" as the "superior" family. I miss having people to do stuff for me. I miss the happiness that I use to bring around people. I miss laughing and pissing people with it. I miss verbal fighting with people. I miss Kristine, my grammar and writing buddy. I miss Granada and Doña Juliana, my homes. I miss having reconciliation and having mass at the chapel in school and the covered court. I miss practicing volleyball and chess. I miss riding on the motorcycle with Tin-Tin while my grandmother gets mad at me. I miss going home at 8 pm almost every day. I miss Robinsons and SM. I miss WOF and the other arcades.
That's only some of them. There's a lot more that I miss, but I'm seriously going to take forever...
I wonder what the bloody hell will happen if I said "no" to going to Australia. I wonder if I'll stay the same person. I wonder if I'l be happier if I didn't move at all. I wonder what is going to be my future if I just stayed there. I wonder which set of friends will have been the best for me. I wonder if I could have done better in Phils. I wonder if life could have been easier there even if my other family members are here. I wonder if things really do happen for a reason. I wonder when that "happy times" that I'm expecting will come. I wonder if I have enough strength to wait for that long. I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind in all of these crap. I wonder if I had done stuff differently, will stuff could have happened as I want them to be? I wonder if I am currently in a situation that is for the best. I wonder if it's going to be different tomorrow. I wonder if things will be the same the next few months. I wonder why problems keep coming at me every single time. I wonder if people really do care for me and love me or are those just words. I wonder what people will do if I was gone. I wonder if I'm going to cry like before if I left my current set of friends for a better school. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I'm going to be really joyful that I'll remain like that most of the time. I wonder if my happy, trouble-making self will ever completely come back. I wonder when I'm ever going to have my first real love. I wonder if I already had passed it. I wonder why I'm really damned.
I hate the fact that people expect of me a lot - especially my parents. I hate the fact that I'm always stuck like this. I hate the fact that - most of the times - even if I had put my sweat and blood for someone, they dont even notice and care. I hate it when I'm always left at the corner while other people act like nothing is happening. I hate it when people ignore my needs most of the time. i hate the fact that even people close to me don't even know me quite properly. I hate the fact that people say stuff they don't really mean to. I hate it when they do such thing just to make you feel better - BLOODY FREAKING HELL - YOU DON'T NEED TO FUDGING LIE! I hate it when people say "I care for you" or "I love you" when they don't even give a damn about you. I hate it when people only care of themselves most of the times - that's why I hate me. I hate me - of course. I hate liars. I hate plastics. I hate people ordering me around when I don't want to. I hate the fact that I feel down right now because of reasons that I'm not really sure about. I hate the fact that I'm actually revealing lots of stuff right now. I hate the fact that I'm saying I want to stop being selfish, but there is no bloody improvement. I hate the fact that I'm a bad friend - even my best buds won't even notice that. I hate the fact that I'm boring. I hate the fact that all my happiness have been drained from me and I don't smile as much as I would have wanted to. I hate the fact that there are already a lot of people that had left me. I hate the fact that whenever there is something I want, they're always taken. I hate this crappy period of my life. I hate the fact that I had to wait. I hate being alone. I hate that I might be a bitch sometimes. I hate school and studies even though I do know that this will something be needed when I grow older. I hate the fact people think I'm this and that. I hate the fact that people judge you sometimes even if they don't even know you properly. I hate people that does things that to you that they knew you hate. I hate getting hurt a lot of times. I hate the fact that I've surrendered, and it actually feels worse that I would have ever expected.
That's it for now really. That's a lot off my brain now. I need a rest now - or not even yet... Before I forget - how about some positives to perhaps end this bloody post about the present?
I love my family even though they DO piss me off a lot of times; it's just a part of the whole family life I guess. I love my friends and I'd actually give whatever I could for them, although I don't know if they'll ever do the same for me. I love the fact that living in Australia had made me learn some stuff that I probably never could have learnt in the Phils. I love the fact that I'm trying my best to change my way of thinking because it's really messing up my head. I love the fact that even if i had to wait for a certain period of time, I know that I'm going to achieve that specific thing...
You know what? I just really think I'm very desperate for that specific time to come. I'm not going to say to be patient with this anymore - since I'm freakingly tired of doing so. I maybe just have to cry this out to finally eliminate the pain and hurt I'm currently going through. I failed in trying to cry this all out before, and that I think that this time - since some of my deepest thoughts had been uncovered - I'll probably have better days coming for me...
That's all for now. I've been writing for more three hours now. It's like 7:11 pm now. I just hope tomorrow will be better or something... Guess what? I'm currently listening to Mariah Carey's Through the Rain song - something that just popped in my head - which is basically giving me that strength to face tomorrow with a better perspective. What a lucky day... *sighs with a smile*
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