NOTE: If I don't make sense, pardon me, but this is the only way I could actually get rid of this really bad feeling inside of me...
Moving on, I am actually crying if you're asking me. I'm not really sure why, but it's just seeming to worsen how I feel. The fact that I am not actually wearing my glasses now makes it worse because I can't see the monitor clearly. It's like blurred at the moment. There are times when I thought the tears would stop falling, but they just don't! What can I do? Take some bloody depressants to calm me down? Heck no. I'm not that stupid - you know? I'll just start writing whatever is in my freakin' head.
Dreams. Dreams. Dreams. Why do we even dream? Do they serve a bloody purpose? Why do we dream? You know, I wouldn't mind if they were those ones that you preferred to see - but no - I had to see those ones that I would forever consider the worse. That's not the problem actually. It's the fact that those bad dreams always come true in reality.
How many times did this happen? A lot. How bad this one? Very bad. It's my worst dream ever - like duh. How is this one bad? Trust me, it's complicated. Am I just making an excuse? Not at all. What really happened? You don't want to know. Did someone get hurt? I did of course - both in the dream and in reality. Did someone die? It felt like I did after waking up the first time, but no one died in the dream if that's what you're asking. Was the events in the dream really serious? To be honest, they're not even serious. They just hurt me like hell. Then what the bloody hell is wrong with the dream? I told you, it's too complicated to explain. Stop being such a git. So, there's nothing really wrong in the dream? It's just me, alright? I'm the wrong. Always. Plus, it happened, even if it was slightly different. How would you describe how you feel now? I just feel like I want to forget that I was even born. What could have been done to prevent this? I don't know. I think if I turn back time and did what I was meant to, I'd have a better life. You know what? Stop. You're making a fool out of yourself. You're talking to yourself. Is something wrong with you? Like duh. I'm talking to myself, am I? Crazy git.
I don't know anymore to be honest. I'm like losing my mind here. I think I'm just trying to find myself. This specific dream is worse than any horror-like dreams that I could ever imagine. It's even worse than the recurring vampire dreams since I was a kid. It's worse than this dream of mine when I saw someone very close to my heart leave me like we weren't even friends. Oh wait, that reminds me. I'm cursed.
What curse are you talking about this time? The curse of losing my closest friends. Since when the heck did this start? For as long as I could remember. Do you feel this coming again? Well, it's a curse. Maybe it will come for me again. Why do you think so? What did I say? It's a bloody curse! So you are saying curses are meant to last forever? Why are you asking me? I'm asking you because you're going into conclusions? I can't help it. I am sick in the head. What are you planning to do if something like that happens again? I don't know anymore. Am I allowed to go crazy? Can someone send me to rehab? Actually, why don't you give me some pills that cause some amnesia? Stop it. You're actually going crazy now. Stop. Like you care. Who cares? No one does. Just stop, it will you? This is not the right way to handle things. What can I do then, smarty pants? Shut up and listen? It doesn't work that way when I'm just talking to myself.
You know what? The first time I officially lost my best friend was when I was in Year 4. I didn't actually lose her, but I felt a little distant from her. We've kind of drifted apart. I met her since I was three, so she remained close to me still - even now. For some reason, I'll never forget the fact that she remembered the time we've met thirteen years ago while I can't. She told me that I was the one who approached her, and after that, we just became best buds for as long as she could remember. It actually makes me sad - like really sad. She's one of those special people in my life that I will always treasure. We've always got each others' backs. We've shared grief and problems together - even at such a young age. The fact that she is my longest friend ever gave her a special place in my heart.
However, the story about my other best friend is kind of different. The thing is, I never had referred to her as my best friend despite the fact that she became - perhaps - my closest friend in Year 4. I think it was because I didn't like the idea of changing my best friend of eight years. Plus, I really had a lot of good friends, and I feel sorry if I don't refer to them as "best friends". Well, she was a rebel, and I actually enjoyed that. She was different than my first best friend who was more graceful and less trouble-making. With this best friend of mine, I got to feel a lot more free and trouble-making. We would actually throw rocks at someone's humongous house and run away. We would spy on people's personal lives that we would know almost everything about everyone's secrets. Because of her, I had tried smoking (and I never did try again) when experimenting random stuff. I know it's bad, but I've actually learnt a lot. But hey, listen. The thing is, she was always there for me no matter what. She stood by me through thick and thin. She would actually punch or beat up someone just for me. She had shared her every blessings, and she was never hesitant to do so. I had trusted her like my life depended on her...
The only thing is that, I never had thanked her or became grateful to her. I was the bossy one, ordering her to do stuff here and there. I make her do stuff she doesn't even want to do. I am always the one who has the guts to be angry when she's the one who's meant to be angry. I treat her more like a slave than a friend...
I was never a good friend to her. I didn't even get to thank her properly. I never ever said she was my best friend. I never ever commended her patience with me. I know she loves me, and that I am sure she had said that before. I would love to say I love you too to her, but it's too late. The next time I will see her, I'm going to give her the biggest hug that she had always deserved. The thing is, it is awkward for some reason because I never used to hug her or anything at all, but I don't really care anymore. I owe her more than I had ever known...
The most recent best friend loss I have wasn't long ago. I don't even want to talk about it. Let's just say it wasn't my choice. I had loved this person a lot. A lot. Too bad, dreams come true, eh? Lives had to be ruined somehow.
To dig deeper into the whole curse thing, Who Knew by Pink had been a really interesting factor. The thing is, whenever I hear this song, it usually makes me cry. You know why? It was actually a song I secretly dedicated to my friends before I left. The thing is, the curse is kind of related to it coincidentally. Well to my old friends mainly.
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out?
Cause they're all wrong
And that last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling I miss you
My darling, who knew?
Who knew?
Well, here's the thing. For the green part, I remember people used to tell me that I will get over my friends someday, and I would actually tell them off. I would usually tell them that I would never ever find better friends. For the red part, it's like those times when I already lost my friends after leaving. I myself took them for granted. I didn't know how to be grateful and all. I was bad at making decisions. They're usually the ones that lead me to say goodbye. But hey, this isn't the important part.
For the purple part, it's those times when I go crazy. I would remind myself constantly about my friends. People still keep telling me to move on even after moving here for more than a year, and I would still tell them off. I will basically remember the memories I had with them. I know it's hard to do so as time passes by, but I will try my best. I do actually dream of them most of the times, and those dreams usually bring me to tears. This is still not the important part.
The important part is actually the part where it says "three years". Why? Trust me, this curse holds a pattern. Everything - or at least most - that took place relates to that. I lost my two of my best friends after three years. It took me three years to become close again to my first best friend. I seemed to kind of moved on after three years in Australia when I found my current best friends. I may lose my current best friends after knowing them for three years. Seriously, this is scary. This is not even worth talking about because it's making me cry. I am actually crying. My eyes actually hurts now after typing and crying for two hours.
Oh well, what could I do? Nothing. Let me see if the bloody cycle continues. It sucks. That's all I could say. Before I decide to sign off and cry it off for the last time, I just want to leave a few words.
BEWARE: Don't you dare translate if you don't want to hear any bad comments. Actually, it's not that bad. I just want to express whatever is in my heart at the moment. It still hurts a little bit even after this expressing thing...
Hoy, la pulos. Tani miski kis-a makapamati ka man sa akon no? Pirme na lang guid ko ya kaluluoy. Nan! Di ka pirme kakita kay imo lang pirme nga self ang gina attend mo. Huo ah. Ari lang ko di ya pirme mo, no? Saligi mayo ah! Bahala ka da. Tak-an na ko mag worry pa ah. Kapoy na guid ko ya mag hibi mo. Kasakit man sang gina panghimo nyo ay. Tani makabalo man kamo sa isa ka adlaw. Tani matuman man ang gusto ko miski isa lang ka beses... Pero sa tuod lang, hinde mo man ni sala, eh. Akon man ah. Sagi asa nga asa mo. Hinde man nga wala ko ga pati or whatever, pero di na guid ko kahulat ya. Dugayan pa na guro ya. Ahay, bata pa man ko ah. Damo pa ko kaladtuan. Bahala ka na da sa imo buhay para subong. May ari pa ko nga i worry ya. La na ko oras mag buang para dira. Gina palain mo lang ulo ko. Ang pagka-dipugers mo guid. Fuck that. Fuck this. Fuck everything.
That's all for now. That's the first and last time I'm ever going to swear. I'm tired and exhausted. I've been writing for approximately three hours and a half (it's currently 3:34pm). Oh well, it was worth it. Maybe, a little more crying, and I'll be good as new. I think I just have to let this all out and start anew... If you know what I mean. Pardon me, for being insensible in this, but this is the only way that actually made me feel better. Tomorrow, I'll be good as new...
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